Melancholic Dribble.

So, I kind of wish that Blogger had an auto save feature for the drafts... I had a REALLY long post the other day, but then my computer here at work decided it needed a nap and rebooted without saving a word.
I'm frustrated one moment and happy the next. I attribute this wobbly emotional state to Will. Which, if my blog had posted, all the gory details were in there.
Alright, I met a guy on glorious myspace, hmm, we talked for a few weeks through e-mail and text messaging, okay, he invited me to a kegger, I couldn't go, so I met him at Taco Bell with Nikki a day later. He was really cute, had gotten off "work" which turned out to be community service... hmm. No one's perfect after all.

Well, that night, after meeting him, he was texting me all night... so was Adam... I ended up going to Adam's having a threesome with he and Brandon and passing out -- I had a whole bottle of Jack.

The next night I went to go see Will, we ended up going to his friend's apartment (Ryan) then another friend's house (Dole). Yeah, I was pretty reserved most of the night, after we left Ryan's place, well, Will kissed me, it was sweet.

We went to Dole's after we bought some Sparks, hung out, smoked, drank, made out for hours in front of poor Dole. He gave us permission to crash out of the couch. We did, that's for sure!

We had sex, I really wasn't going to, but he was so sweet and it felt right. In fact, it was fucking fantastic... way too good.

The day after... we spent the entire day together before LeAnna and I went to the Snow Patrol concert in Gwinnett. He was just so sweet, so quiet around LeAnna... we went to Bon Apetit...took him back to Otto.

We've continued to see one another... even over this last weekend, crashing at 2 of his friends' places (Jason/Amy and Turtleman)... sometimes he talks to me, sometimes he sucks and doesn't respond for over 40 min to over an hour let alone NO RESPONSE.

When we're together, it's excellent, when we're not, he frustrates the fuck out of me. I could honestly see myself with him for a long time, that is, if he fucking COMMUNICATED.

I'm also upset because Nikki no longer works at Drake, she graduated yesterday and already drove back to Alexander City, Alabama... yeah, Will's from Phoenix City, Alabama. Okay, he's smoothed things over with me tonight... for the moment that is -- I just cannot stay upset with him... he's so sweet sometimes. I called Nikki during my break here at work, I miss her, well, we miss each other very much.

Another Saturday.

What can I say? Just another LONG day at work... we've got amazingly uninterrupted spouts of pure leizurely time on our hands.

I've seemly cuts all ties with Daren, my Jehovah's witness EX. He was a user, about 14 years older than me, shallow, and extremely hypocritical, especially when it came to the sexual orientation of others, I mean, whatever makes others happy, then let them do it, they're not harming anyone. He's got a lot of homosexual tendencies after all, so he really shouldn't be judging anyone, certainly after I read his religious texts -- he's far from holy according to scripture. The last straw was his coke habit getting out of hand last weekend; I mean if I want to go and see my brother that's one thing, when it becomes a trip to "score," well, that's just disrespectful to Ro and I both. Ro and I had a very intensive conversation about Daren's addiction... we've agreed, that cold turkey, no more phone calls, no contact period with him. I miss that really mysterious, just darling man that I was dating... that is, before his motive was discovered and his addiction fed again.

If you cannot feel like yourself without a substance, then what's the point of living? I mean, I've been down that road, still have some extreme issues with meaningful relationships/romantic love. I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again. After Nick's death in July of 2006 (of a Xanax overdoes) I just feel empty and unable to truly "fall" with anyone; yeah, and the recent falling back into usage did not help. So, I may be physically attracted for a minute, however, it soon ends without any kind of notice. I thought I had that under control but there's a feigning for at least the physical part of a long-term relationship a little bit. I've developed an on-going love affair with Vitamins for one thing, after the battle the illegal substances, I never knew that I could at least find a similar up-and-atom feeling from something you buy in the supermarket.

It's absolutely spellbounding how circumstances can change within the blink of an eye. Alright, we have an hour lunch off the clock where I put forth all of these hours; and my co-worker, Nikki, asked if I would like to go to The Gazebo... it's this adorable restaurant that yes, does indeed feature a rather large gazebo. I said yes, after all, there's this adorable waiter there, Adam, that I have actually known for years from prior fast food laboring. Well, of course, I had to say YES! Well, it was very good. I'm a vegetarian, so of course I asked for the half veg sandwich with bowl of veg soup, which was the soup du jour. Adam was a trip, he was so funny, Nikki was even checking him out... lol. Let's see, he asked why we hadn't made plans to do anything yet (in my mind I was like "WTF"?), thinking that he was joking about a week ago when I saw him last... He was always such a kidder after all. Hmm, so I "got his digits."

My mother's 47th birthday is tomorrow, my father and I have bought 0 gifts, oh dear, he gave me a wonderful idea though... new robe... it's got to be blue and velour, despite warmer weather coming our way. So, Calvin and I? or maybe Jason and I are going to Buford after work to go shopping and get my roots redone.

Tomorrow, however, Calvin and I are attending Jonathan's, who is Calvin's adorable boyfriend, graduation in Dalton, erk, I love Jonathan, but I volunteer for the wackiest shit.

Got 5 more hours left on the clock, I wish the wait times were as long as they were this morning, as Jonathan would say, "It would be fabulous!" I've got a client on the phone right now, looking for something, playing some hardcore R&B, then cuts back and me "Are you there?" "Yes ma'am, I've been waiting on you to find the number." "Oh, NO you haven't, I've had it the entire time on my screen." Sometimes I just want to strangle clients... Some people should not be in this line of work because of their lack of intelligence and people skills. Sometimes I just want to scream, "Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Banana Phone..." That would be hilarious, well, at least to me, I'm sure corporate would have a different opinion on the matter.

A fresh, toasted start to a once crusty lifestyle.

So, after my ridiculous meandering with those who are WAY over my age limit -- we're talking 14-23 years older, trying every narcotic possible and overdosing multiple times; just becoming a total boil on society's once perfect skin, I've settled down. It's interesting to think about what I've done and where I've gone and just ponder, "How did I get here?" Met a multitude of individuals, saints and unsavory souls alike; however, every single person, whether you want them to or not, leave a little mark on us.
I've worked the same job now for about 8 months, it's incredibly gratifying. Knowing almost exactly what I'll be doing every single day is a bit of a drag sometimes, but very comforting. It beats living out of a car, or a carboard box, and not knowing where my next fix or if I weren't on the smack, where my meals were coming from. I was very good at starving myself, hospitalized because I was rejecting all fluids or solids that were trying to be put into my system except for the poisons keeping me alive. It's a horrible way to live, full of lightning speed decisions constantly pulling one way and then the opposite.
Anyway, so I work with Income Tax Software, that's about all the information I can give legally. It's dry work, sometimes gratifying when you know you really helped make someone's day brighter just by telling them seemingly insignificant little details.
Life is full of insignificant details, but all of them combined make up the larger picture. Realizing that every tiny action has a consequence, which can either be positive or negative; but everything has a definite ending that's different regardless of how you choose. I'm only starting this out as a preliminary beginning to my memoir, but it's a nice rough start.