Coming undone at the seams...

I feel like I am signing my own death certificate.

Now that I've said that, I'll reiterate the justifications behind such a remark.

No offense to Kevin, he is undoubtedly the love of my life, however, just as I said to my brother, our lives are short, make the most of it, as cliche as that may sound. I realize that I make some terrible choices and now I must pay for them, but this path that I am on is making me more and more miserable everyday. I am relying on Kevin for my source of ultimate happiness, and it just is not fair for him to be the hero of the day over and over again.

I transferred from RGNS to RCHS in 2002, with my future still as bright as any other student with a clean bill of health and academic record such as mine, but I got caught up in the little details and not with the bigger scheme of things.

My life is quickly passing me by. Kevin's 27th birthday was on the 1st. I've been having sex with him for about a year now, the meaningful relationship has only been that of around 10 months though. He's having doubts about getting older and seeing the life that he's made for himself, or lack there of in both of our cases... so, I'm starting to wonder if this is why we're so great for one another, out of shear desperation for wanting someone else with the unique past, but similar present to understand our feelings and not for that Shakespearian fairytale known as true love.

The more I log onto www.facebook.com and "reconnect" with past acquaintances, friends, and classmates the more upset I become. They're all off doing what makes them happy, getting ahold of that life they dreamed of since childhood, and taking charge of their careers while I am STUCK in the place that brings me the most grief. My dreams went from being an MD to being a farmer's wife and childbearer... where did I go wrong?

I feel suicidal and no amount of shifts at work, amazing sessions of love making with Kevin, or any placebo of happiness will change what I have done. I'm stuck, pure and simple. My parents have had to watch me go from their golden child to the leech I am now. I just feel like I have no reason to exist and no further dreams to obtain because they've washed away just as the tide does.

Realizations...

So, after an unusual night among friends from past and present.... things were said, tears were shed, and all of us drunkards were put to rest.
I am awfully thankful to the listening ears of Kristen, without her I would have no light on my situations currently!

But after all was said and done, everything was talked out and a huge realization of the one person that would be mine forever came into view... my Kevin.
He purely accepts me flaws and all unconditionally and constantly keeps the peace in our relationship. I could not imagine a life without him at this point and I know for a fact that he will be an outstanding husband and a perfect father to our children. In fact, I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him!

Even though there are irritants and insecurities in our relationship our bond is something that I cannot just give up on when there are hard times like I was contemplating earlier this week... giving up would just be too easy, just letting something die that we both wholeheartedly put so much of our heart and souls into should not be tossed away as if it were a receipt from the grocer.

With all of that said I believe after all the trials, mishaps, and adventures in my life I can honestly say, I have found that one individual that I could share anything with, without a doubt.

It was quite relaxing to have the time after we got Kristen and Charlie safe at their abodes to talk about the silly things that were making us both feel insecure... like Charlie's remarks or Kevin's 27th birthday being yesterday... no matter what, he's mine, I'm his... we are each other's addiction and the most beautiful person to one another. I feel safe, comfortable, and loved being with him, in his arms, listening to his deep, sultry voice... I've never felt something so natural that it was like a part of myself being born just by beginning this relationship with my sweet beef farmer... it's amazing how God and Love work.

God Blesses us all in ways that we are somewhat blind in reception of.

Having the moral support from my family and friends has made this an incredible experience. I feel like I have the power to complete anything since I have love backing me 100% of the way, it's a confidence I would have never expected at any time in my life.

Good night.
God Bless.