Coming undone at the seams...

I feel like I am signing my own death certificate.

Now that I've said that, I'll reiterate the justifications behind such a remark.

No offense to Kevin, he is undoubtedly the love of my life, however, just as I said to my brother, our lives are short, make the most of it, as cliche as that may sound. I realize that I make some terrible choices and now I must pay for them, but this path that I am on is making me more and more miserable everyday. I am relying on Kevin for my source of ultimate happiness, and it just is not fair for him to be the hero of the day over and over again.

I transferred from RGNS to RCHS in 2002, with my future still as bright as any other student with a clean bill of health and academic record such as mine, but I got caught up in the little details and not with the bigger scheme of things.

My life is quickly passing me by. Kevin's 27th birthday was on the 1st. I've been having sex with him for about a year now, the meaningful relationship has only been that of around 10 months though. He's having doubts about getting older and seeing the life that he's made for himself, or lack there of in both of our cases... so, I'm starting to wonder if this is why we're so great for one another, out of shear desperation for wanting someone else with the unique past, but similar present to understand our feelings and not for that Shakespearian fairytale known as true love.

The more I log onto www.facebook.com and "reconnect" with past acquaintances, friends, and classmates the more upset I become. They're all off doing what makes them happy, getting ahold of that life they dreamed of since childhood, and taking charge of their careers while I am STUCK in the place that brings me the most grief. My dreams went from being an MD to being a farmer's wife and childbearer... where did I go wrong?

I feel suicidal and no amount of shifts at work, amazing sessions of love making with Kevin, or any placebo of happiness will change what I have done. I'm stuck, pure and simple. My parents have had to watch me go from their golden child to the leech I am now. I just feel like I have no reason to exist and no further dreams to obtain because they've washed away just as the tide does.