Transitions!!

So, I've not been writing... erhh, I've been working at Bath & Body Works and Apple Mountain Resort, also preparing to go to school for nursing here in a little bit after the PSB Test May 21st.

I've been doing the vegetarian thing again for a couple of months now and only traversing so much to eat some fish occasionally. 

I have come to the conclusion that RAW is the only way to go to make me feel the best and give me the energy levels to complete life substantially well. Results being that all of those nutrients and antioxidants will purify my dirty gene pool. I had been starting slowly but surely, however, after reading more and more Angela Stokes' material, I've decided to dive headfirst!

Wish me luck!!

Okay, things are still going well with Kevin, definitely still in love with one another after our anniversary and even after his felony arrest. I could not see myself with anyone other than that beautiful man, I tried and it's just not worth the trouble, I have the entire package all in one, he's worth more to me than anything else I've ever experienced and that merely amazes me everyday.

Coming undone at the seams...

I feel like I am signing my own death certificate.

Now that I've said that, I'll reiterate the justifications behind such a remark.

No offense to Kevin, he is undoubtedly the love of my life, however, just as I said to my brother, our lives are short, make the most of it, as cliche as that may sound. I realize that I make some terrible choices and now I must pay for them, but this path that I am on is making me more and more miserable everyday. I am relying on Kevin for my source of ultimate happiness, and it just is not fair for him to be the hero of the day over and over again.

I transferred from RGNS to RCHS in 2002, with my future still as bright as any other student with a clean bill of health and academic record such as mine, but I got caught up in the little details and not with the bigger scheme of things.

My life is quickly passing me by. Kevin's 27th birthday was on the 1st. I've been having sex with him for about a year now, the meaningful relationship has only been that of around 10 months though. He's having doubts about getting older and seeing the life that he's made for himself, or lack there of in both of our cases... so, I'm starting to wonder if this is why we're so great for one another, out of shear desperation for wanting someone else with the unique past, but similar present to understand our feelings and not for that Shakespearian fairytale known as true love.

The more I log onto www.facebook.com and "reconnect" with past acquaintances, friends, and classmates the more upset I become. They're all off doing what makes them happy, getting ahold of that life they dreamed of since childhood, and taking charge of their careers while I am STUCK in the place that brings me the most grief. My dreams went from being an MD to being a farmer's wife and childbearer... where did I go wrong?

I feel suicidal and no amount of shifts at work, amazing sessions of love making with Kevin, or any placebo of happiness will change what I have done. I'm stuck, pure and simple. My parents have had to watch me go from their golden child to the leech I am now. I just feel like I have no reason to exist and no further dreams to obtain because they've washed away just as the tide does.

Realizations...

So, after an unusual night among friends from past and present.... things were said, tears were shed, and all of us drunkards were put to rest.
I am awfully thankful to the listening ears of Kristen, without her I would have no light on my situations currently!

But after all was said and done, everything was talked out and a huge realization of the one person that would be mine forever came into view... my Kevin.
He purely accepts me flaws and all unconditionally and constantly keeps the peace in our relationship. I could not imagine a life without him at this point and I know for a fact that he will be an outstanding husband and a perfect father to our children. In fact, I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him!

Even though there are irritants and insecurities in our relationship our bond is something that I cannot just give up on when there are hard times like I was contemplating earlier this week... giving up would just be too easy, just letting something die that we both wholeheartedly put so much of our heart and souls into should not be tossed away as if it were a receipt from the grocer.

With all of that said I believe after all the trials, mishaps, and adventures in my life I can honestly say, I have found that one individual that I could share anything with, without a doubt.

It was quite relaxing to have the time after we got Kristen and Charlie safe at their abodes to talk about the silly things that were making us both feel insecure... like Charlie's remarks or Kevin's 27th birthday being yesterday... no matter what, he's mine, I'm his... we are each other's addiction and the most beautiful person to one another. I feel safe, comfortable, and loved being with him, in his arms, listening to his deep, sultry voice... I've never felt something so natural that it was like a part of myself being born just by beginning this relationship with my sweet beef farmer... it's amazing how God and Love work.

God Blesses us all in ways that we are somewhat blind in reception of.

Having the moral support from my family and friends has made this an incredible experience. I feel like I have the power to complete anything since I have love backing me 100% of the way, it's a confidence I would have never expected at any time in my life.

Good night.
God Bless.

Changes in progress.

So, I have just ended my phone call with Kate in Maine, she's taking Hydroxycut Max.... I went to Wal-Mart, they do not carry that particular pill, so instead I purchased SlimQuick (Blue) and SlimQuick Hoodia (Green). I have read countless reviews, especially on fitFLEX.com and I have just taken the first day's worth of doses. I'm hoping this works. I'm incredibly unhappy with myself. I feel like I'm relying on Kevin way too much these days and my hormones are out of whack.

I'm 5'5" ish and 184 lbs.
Hopefully this will motivate me a little further.
When and if I see a difference, I know that I'll have much more confidence.
I still smoke as well. (Camel Lights)
Coke Zero causes appetite supression, lol.

Reading Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampire Series... on book 4 at the moment since this is the inspiration for the HBO Series, True Blood, which I'm seemingly addicted to.

I get so agitated with Kevin when he blows me off or he doesn't pick up the phone.... His jealousy is awkward as well, so when I don't see him and I can't be around my male friends due to the unsettling effects, it's so irritating... I have to be by myself, which is never good, or it'll piss him off if he knew that I was hanging out with Bret as much as I have been or if I were to go and see Jonathan like I used to. Bret's 24th birthday was last night, I went over there and cheered him up.

I work at Bath & Body Works, which I absolutely adore... and Piggly Wiggly which is shutting it's doors permanently November 30th, that's my supplemental paycheck, but fucking torture. I need a nice full-time job, without the negative attitudes encompassing the surroundings.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just an easy lay, just a fucking booty call for Kevin... and it hurts and then other times I feel like I piss him off constantly due to insecurities. I love him... he says he loves me... so...

Life in constant transition...

Alrighty, it's well, I'll be blunt, been quite some time.

So, everything eventually went downhill, my visa expired in Denmark and therefore I once again returned to the North Eastern Georgia mountains around 11 months ago. Bjoern and I attempted at a long distance relationship, after all, my belongings are still at his residence in Ribe, but to no one's surprise, ehh, it did not work, of which I am very thankful for!

I once again started at the bottom of the employment chain: the Lingerie Shop, then Subway, Ingles, the Exxon in Hollywood, Domino's, Holiday Inn, Kubota, TRW, Schreiber, and lastly Bath & Body Works, including an additional side job of cleaning houses on Lake Burton.

My attempt at the long distance relationship was very refreshing at first, but then a string of casual sexual partners and more illegal substances made their way back into my lifestyle, not to mention a sleuth of prescribed medications.

However, there have been advances in my life including the entrance of Kevin Gibbs, an interesting one night stand that's become my lifeline at this time being.

Kevin's a farmer, a beef cattle farmer, he's also employed with a moving company in Demorest. As far as I am concerned, I never once imagined considering residing in Cornelia for the rest of my life with a farmer, however, now it's become my dream. I can honestly say that man has put up with more ups and downs emotionally, physically, and economically, stuck through it for better or worse, and is still striving on making this relationship last to the fullest.

We've been having sex since January, dating since March, my parents fell in love with him sometime in late April, and he's told me he'd fallen in love with me a mere 9 days ago. This photo has been taken only a couple of hours ago. I have been going to Flat Creek Baptist and changing my lifestyle in ways I could never have imagined before meeting him. I love him and I desire to spend the rest of my life with him, no questions or doubts for any amount of time, it's the sure thing, the actual one! I am AMAZED.

Slighty insane would be not giving myself enough credit.

What if I said, hey this guy that I met from my account at HotOrNot.com completely swept me off my feet, so I did some illegal business with Mexicans, expedited a passport, and hopped one of the series of three planes to move to Europe to be with him, would you call my insane?

So, as I previously posted, when Mitch and I split up, I joined HotOrNot, yeah, I met that guy Jon in Buckhead and after that, just kind of talked to everyone friendly enough, but not misleading. So that night at Calvin's he and I were bored, we started looking at Euopeans, starting of course in the Czech Republic and then working our way around Scandanvia beginning with Denmark.

A day later or so I got an email from one of the Danish guys 'Kuk' asking me what caught my attention... well, he had piercings, really neat glasses, and some of the same interests, so I replied truthfully. Like a day or so later, well, we got on the hotornot chat together unintentionally, you see, I was talking to this Tom Cruise impersonator in Atlanta just for the hell of it, then 'Kuk' logged on and started messaging me, so we talked for a few hours or so. It was nice.

So, time's passing, my affair with Michael is getting rather nasty in the sense that I'm always hurt and been doing a whole hell of a lot of drugs. Spending time with Fluffy is getting much longer, definitely more intense, we're inseparable. Talking with the GORGEOUS Dane Bjørn becomes an obsession.

Since that trip to Manassas, Virginia, I've been talking to Bjørn nonstop for around 14 or more hours a day because I enabled yahoo messenger on my cell. So I drove and texted him for over 10 hours straight, meaning over 600 miles in loads of traffic and bouts of open road... average speed, 85 mph.

We've exchanged over 100 photos each, watched each other's web cams countless times, spent hours just conversing on international phone calls. Fluff's become my best friend, almost as if we share a heart and brain, just two different bodies, for crying out loud, we've even got the same birthday. Well, he helped encourage my relationship with Bjørn Kjell-Tyge Tygesen!

Fluffy and I were spending lots of time with each other and also with his sister Shelly, she was the only one that knew ahead of time about my past and that Fluffs and I weren't a couple. Fluffy came out to her and she told EVERYONE!!!!!!

So we had our ups and downs with the Alfords, but all the same, they love us and are family after all, it's unconditional.

Anyway, I packed all my things with my mother's help of course, hehe, I had gotten my passport, and spent about $754 on a plane ticket to Århus. I hopped on my first flight, my father took me to the airport, it was so hard saying 'goodbye' to him, I could see the tears in his eyes which caused me to well up like a sponge in a sink full of dirty dishwater.

My fisrt flight was nice, I met a guy named Matt, it was a small plane and he came and talked with me during the hour and forty-five minutes in the air, we exchanged email addresses. However, the fflight didn't take off until an hour after it was supposed to, so we landed in Chicago extremely late and a Finnish lady and I ran just to catch our next flight to Copenhagen with 3 minutes to spare until the plane was leaving the airport. Scandanavian airlines was needless to say, cramped, with free alcohol, decent meals, and alright entertainment. I was gushing blood at this point though... how embarrassing. So, after 12 hours of being cramped up and having my head rest kicked by pre adolescent girls, we were in Copenhagen and I had to for the first time, find the gate by myself. Yeah, I totally stopped and asked for a light for a cigarette, oh my, I was high! I asked a nice Danish man if I could use his cell and I called Bjørn, he sounded terrified... lol. So I caught my tiny, itty bitty, almost ratty looking last plane to Århus, I was exhausted and took a slight nap. I arrived at the airport... oh my God, it was the tiniest one yet, my heart was pounding.

I looked in the glass and yeah, the man of my dreams, my Bjørnen, my love, my carebear, my gorgeous Dane, he was standing there! I scared him! hehe. I ran to the bathroom and hid for a moment thinking 'oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh shit, I look awful...' and then I left the bathroom, I looked at him through the glass a little longer and then he motioned for me to come around, well, I did. I scared him again, I hugged him, kissed him on the cheek. He was so handsome, so absolutely adorable, he smelled so nice too (Lacoste), I hugged him some more!!

A continuance of the last.

Yeah, too many people were around to finish the last post, however, now I'm all alone at the lingerie shop.
Anyway, so to finish, Michael tore me up, he could not keep an erection due to the recent drug usage, trust me, I tried to keep it up, nothing would work. Instead, we caressed one another, held each other, slowly starting, and tenderly making love. He got me to sit on his face, lie in the 69 position below and above him, this went on for over 3 hours, then he just simply finished me off purely him working. WOW. It was simply amazing! After we finished, the newly cleaned and dried sheets felt as if they had just been taken out of the washer, we lied in each other's sweat-drenched arms for what seemed an eternity, holding each other, kissing, again caressing one another, and whispering our sweet nothings and I love yous.
This had included fingering of the vagina and anus, rim job and clitoral / vaginal stimulation and kissing with his tongue and lips. MULTIPLE ORGASMS.

---Afterwards---

I left the house, said Goodbye, I love you, and whatnot. Not one phone call all day from him, I was coming down emotionally. I saw myself going down the same fucked up path that I had before, so I was starting to doubt myself physically and emotionally. I finally called at 10 pm, no answer, so I left a couple of messages, then started worrying and fell asleep at my parents' house, going in late at night to cover my track marks. The next morning, LeAnna was looking for me, for the money for the till and because she was worried about where I had ended up. She went down to Michael's, I wasn't there, just Carrie's little red truck. LeAnna came to my house, convinced my mother to wake me up, then she and I talked about the vehicle in Michael's driveway. Honestly, I thought Carrie's truck was black, I was wrong. I took a shower, met LeAnna at the shop and went to his house, no one was there and he still had the movie rental on Salvador's account, the Hitcher.
We poked around the house for a minute and then I called him. He picked up. Was nice to me, I told him about the movie being late and he said he had it with him and was taking care of it. LeAnna and I went to Ingle's. We shopped around for a moment, then I came out to the suburban with the groceries, Carrie pulled around in her red truck and said in her obnoxious voice, "Hey!" I also waved and said "Hi." My heart sank. I was in a lot of emotional and especially physical pain all day!
After work, I stayed up until 5:30 am with Brandon and we just talked and talked some more. I was starting to miss Michael.
I wanted to kick myself in the ass.
I still do.
He changed his phone number.

---Yesterday and Today thus far---

He called me at 7 am. Told me he changed his number. Also that he missed me. I'm really starting to feel for him. I hate myself a little for it.
I went through the day talking to him on and off, he hardly got service on the job site where he was painting. I'm proud of him for getting a job.
I had over $300 worth of sales yesterday!
I shut down the store at 8:45 pm and rode by his place, her truck was there, so I didn't go down there. He called me shortly afterwards when Daren and I were in the movie theatre seeing Ocean's 13. We continued sending text messages back and forth. I was also texting Amber.
I told him I was coming over, I arrived 12:10 am. No vehicles, so I went to the door, no lights were on, I called for him, "Mike, Michael..." He stumbled out of bed and opened the door. We went back to his room, kissed, kissed again. Said our "I miss yous" and I flipped on the lamp, I smiled at him, he smiled back, we continued to kiss. I really did miss him. So, I asked him what was up, why was Carrie there all night, did they have sex, who slept where... and so forth.
She slept on the couch, he slept in the bed... she "wouldn't leave" ...
They did more methamphetamine. He worked all day, he was exhausted.
We snuggled up together.
Kissed, held one another. Exchanged I love yous. I felt so happy to be back in his arms.
We tossed, turned, kissed. Slept. Tossed, turned, snuggled, and kissed more. Almost had sex. Couldn't, because of my stupid period.
We lied together and talked while snuggling and fell asleep.
Woke up around 7:40 am, both of us sneezing and coughing a little bit; I'm assuming allergies.
Kissed, talked, snuggled, and went back to sleep. Woke up at 10 am. So comfortable, just lying there, I didn't want to go to work. Got up after holding each other and talking.
Went to the store, grabbed a $100 to get change. Cashed his check and got change at United Community Bank. Went to breakfast at McDonald's. Ran into a friend of his / customer of mine -- she asked how Carrie was acting -- NUTS.
Went back to his house. Dropped him off after snuggling a little bit, looked for an extra stash, then kissed and fooled around a little bit. He promised he'd be at the store in a little bit.
I went to work.
I've had about $200 worth of sales thus far.
I talked to Michael on the phone a couple of times earlier.
I received a text message saying "ME AND CARRIE R TOGETHER NOW" an hour ago. I called 15-20 minutes afterwards, Carrie picked up the phone, fucking sarcastic bitch.
She wouldn't hand him the phone.
I told her to have him call me later, she replied "I'm sure he will."
I hung up.
I talked to Amber on the phone.
I want her to go with me so that I can see with my own eyes and with moral support if they're together or not.
I'm waiting on her to show up. I pray that she comes.
I want to cry.
He and I had had great conversation -- an actual sober, loving conversation with one another last night and this morning.
I was happy again for a night / morning, now I'm crying on the inside while my eyes water.
Why can't I get a decent man that can love me for me and not have to go back to abuse and immature girls.

I'm depressed yet again.

Alright... life goes on. What's next?

---Employment---

So, I was laid-off from my job at the software company. I work full time for LeAnna at the Lingerie shop... for over a month now! So, instead of my hefty software paycheck, I get around 15% commission of what ever I happen to sell. We've just gotten a new shipment of dancer wear, it's too bad that Georgia is cracking down and proposing an ordinance that would prevent the girls from wearing garters, also from getting within 4 feet of a customer, and the singles must be thrown on stage.

---Relationships---

Will and I split due to methamphetamine and I was tracked down by a gas man named Mitch (who was a bouncer at the strip clubs I sell gear at now) and dated him for a while. Mitch turned out to be an mentally and physically abusive asshole that had sex with strippers right in front of me. He was an awful alcoholic and overly jealous that after a month of not even speaking to Will, he helped me take the Cobalt back to Enterprise in Toccoa. Jon R and I finally put to rest what we had tried in highschool, I was inebriated. I joined hotornot.com, yeah, I met a guy named Jon who had an amazing apartment in Buckhead; he just wanted a hookup, I didn't put out... he was gorgeous though. I haven't heard from him since. Next, I started taking prescription pain medication to ease my overall achiness. Carrie and Michael split up, I got really drunk to numb the pain from my alcoholic ex, had sex with Michael. I had a one-night stand with Jacob W, the next day he thought he had had sex with a stripper (we were incredibly wasted and there were silver platforms involved). We had sex on the massage table in the back room and then went o my parent's camper where I slammed my left index finger in the door. Amy and Jake in the apartment upstairs introduced me to their single friend, Larry, the best man at their wedding. We got along great! He was intelligent and could hold an intriguing conversation -- I was immediately attracted. Just turned 36, but became a grandfather last week. We laughed continuously all night and curled up on Jake and Amy's enormous, comfortable bed. One thing led to another, he was so tender and actually "made love" to me, I hadn't had that in years. So turns out he used me for sex those two times after our many cellular conversations and dates, also to piss off his wife of 19 years (she's now a lesbian), and to get closer to Amy so that he could split Jake and Amy up. I knew from the first time I saw Larry interact with Amy that he was in love with her, I told LeAnna and Brandon, but I still let him use me. Daren came back from New York, Larry started ignoring me after I dropped him off at Canton and spent my last night with him and claimed I was "stalking" him -- right, I called him last night because I heard that he was having a rough time, I just wanted to see if he were alright and also to tell him the baby items were still available for baby Christopher.

So, when Larry was cooking dinner for Amy and Jake, I was invited up after work, but my attempts to get in touch with any of them were futile. Michael started texting me, I automatically responded -- REVENGE.

Michael and I went to see Knocked Up in Habersham at 10 pm, it was hilarious! We had a decent time, surprisingly drama-free. I told him about the way Larry was treating me, Michael was apologetic. We went back to his house. I was hurt by Larry's mistreating me, so I had sex with Michael again to escape my bellowing pain. He's much LARGER than poor Larry. Larry, don't get me wrong, was a great lover, but just below-average whereas Michael is overly-endowed.

---Love Making versus Just Good Sex---

After I had sex with Michael, he held me all night and was just so kind to me. This is the first time that someone's treated me like I'm just the most amazing event in their life. My little afair has continued with Michael; I've come to the realization that he's like a druggie version of Forrest Gump. We've had A LOT of sex, he's good, plus he's sincere afterwards and seems to really want me. However, we actually have nothing in common besides sex and drugs; I've noticed my yet again, downward spiral into my former behaviors. I've literally smoked crack this week, then last night after a little spat (Brandon took Michael home and Michael's evidently extremely homophobic) and Michael going missing for about 3.5 hours, shot up methamphetamine a few times. One of my veins busted in my left arm which is quite ugly and a little discomforting but the feeling of the actual injection of the substance into the correct vein was amazing! An all-over tingliness, a total "panty popper" if I may say so. This led to his "I love you" and my deceptive agreeing rhetoric; I feel bad, he's good to me the majority of the time, however, he's so below my standards for a mate other than he likes to have sex as often as I do. I guess you can learn to love anyone, but I could not see myself settling for such a burn-out. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't live the rest of my life shooting up and getting cracked out; I want to have a future, a bright one, with happiness and stability without drama from ex-girlfriends and the fear that I might get busted for drugs and live, no be conscious, through the rest of my years without my freedom.

Anyway, so last night before the episode of crass homophobia, I had gotten one of our little Omazing cockrings from the room, Michael and I tried it out -- very nice results!! Alright, after making up after our argument over him not wanting to be open with me about his feelings and coming to the agreement that we should talk instead of letting things that make us feel uncomfortable build up (shit, he wouldn't understand my complaints about much of his behavior in simple English, so this was more so to make him fee, yes, this was done over shooting up... anyway, I was feeling the scruffiness of Michael's face and I proposed a trust-building activity. Okay, so I shaved his face, his neck, and the overgrown areas on the back of his head -- in return, he got to shave my legs and my groin area; I must admit, he was very gentle and did a wonderful job! I actually feel comfortable being naked around him which is a rarity for me, especially considering he's got a pretty nice body himself! So after all the shaving and whatnot, I finished taking my bath and Michael made the bed.

When he was shaving my nether-regions, I coyingly joked about him eating me out, well, his response shocked me -- HE WANTED TO TEAR ME UP!

I dried off, came into the bedroom in my towel, I could see his eyes light up. We started kissing passionately, it was much different than any other previous encounter, he was tender, loving, and I could tell that he wanted me to know just how he desired and cared for me.

What a headache.

So, I've pretty much tried everything under the sun... Well, last night -- among trying to go to the movies, waiting for William, yada yada -- I did something I had not done yet

Forrest's Scalping.

I wish I had been able to see Nikki… my weekend sucked – slept through my alarm clock for 7 hours on Saturday morning, my ulcer and allergies kicked in at the same time along with that little monthly friend for the second time this month… wahh.
Okay, so on Friday, Turtleman and I scalped Will, there was this HUGE pile of soft little brown curls on Turtleman's floor. He and I went out on our little date, we were sitting down to watch 300 (it rocked!!) and my ex Robbie called saying our friend Jacky was stuck at Truett McConnell College and could I get him – he had gas money, I said that I really didn’t want to b/c Will and I would be tired after the movie, but he persisted so I went and got Jacky out in Cleveland, GA. So, I introduced Jacky to Will and then talked to Jacky for about 15 minutes, we got bored with him and started goofing off. We made it up to Rabun, took Jacky to Robbie’s house, and introduced Robbie and Will…
Okay, the boys kind of just stood there puzzled looking at me… then Robbie being the jack@$$ that he is sometimes started his whole “Our Neicy’s got a bf…la la la…” GREAT – right? OMG, I could have died right there… erk.
I simply looked at Will since those 2 tards started dancing around me singing… “I’m SO sorry, you know, there’s a reason why I stopped hanging out with them when I was in my teens.” He just laughed… too sweet I tell you. J
Yeah, so they carjacked me… which severely upset us, took us in circles in Athens for a few hours and then I had to drive back up meaning I got home at 4:30 when I had to get up at 6:30 to take a shower before work… that’s the reason why I slept through 7 hours of alarm clock… wahh.
On a much darker note, however, these last two weeks of tax season here at Drake Software, well, may be my last, especially after missing Saturday. I had a nice little meeting with Allie, she’s so nice about everything… but it still sucks, at least I wasn’t emotional or angry, I anticipated it actually. I cleaned up my desk; I feared this would happen soon anyway, so it’s not much of a surprise. So for the next two weeks I’ve got to give Drake my all to prove that I would like to stay through this summer – this is kind of bittersweet, I mean, in the summer, you’ve got it made, just go to class and wait, wait, wait for the calls and the comradely behavior among those that have survived a tax season.

Big Daddy David McMahan's wife had their baby, he's just BEAUTIFUL!!
I’m searching desperately in the meantime for another job on career builder and also on monster’s website. On Saturday, since I didn’t get to come into Drake, well, I worked at the shop, we further built on to the piercing / tattooing area (Don, Eric, and I), and so at least this is a sure thing? At least, I hope it is. Unless Eric feels tension after our little fling, which he shouldn't, it wasn't a big deal anyway.
I have to be an extremely good girl it seems.

Melancholic Dribble.

So, I kind of wish that Blogger had an auto save feature for the drafts... I had a REALLY long post the other day, but then my computer here at work decided it needed a nap and rebooted without saving a word.
I'm frustrated one moment and happy the next. I attribute this wobbly emotional state to Will. Which, if my blog had posted, all the gory details were in there.
Alright, I met a guy on glorious myspace, hmm, we talked for a few weeks through e-mail and text messaging, okay, he invited me to a kegger, I couldn't go, so I met him at Taco Bell with Nikki a day later. He was really cute, had gotten off "work" which turned out to be community service... hmm. No one's perfect after all.

Well, that night, after meeting him, he was texting me all night... so was Adam... I ended up going to Adam's having a threesome with he and Brandon and passing out -- I had a whole bottle of Jack.

The next night I went to go see Will, we ended up going to his friend's apartment (Ryan) then another friend's house (Dole). Yeah, I was pretty reserved most of the night, after we left Ryan's place, well, Will kissed me, it was sweet.

We went to Dole's after we bought some Sparks, hung out, smoked, drank, made out for hours in front of poor Dole. He gave us permission to crash out of the couch. We did, that's for sure!

We had sex, I really wasn't going to, but he was so sweet and it felt right. In fact, it was fucking fantastic... way too good.

The day after... we spent the entire day together before LeAnna and I went to the Snow Patrol concert in Gwinnett. He was just so sweet, so quiet around LeAnna... we went to Bon Apetit...took him back to Otto.

We've continued to see one another... even over this last weekend, crashing at 2 of his friends' places (Jason/Amy and Turtleman)... sometimes he talks to me, sometimes he sucks and doesn't respond for over 40 min to over an hour let alone NO RESPONSE.

When we're together, it's excellent, when we're not, he frustrates the fuck out of me. I could honestly see myself with him for a long time, that is, if he fucking COMMUNICATED.

I'm also upset because Nikki no longer works at Drake, she graduated yesterday and already drove back to Alexander City, Alabama... yeah, Will's from Phoenix City, Alabama. Okay, he's smoothed things over with me tonight... for the moment that is -- I just cannot stay upset with him... he's so sweet sometimes. I called Nikki during my break here at work, I miss her, well, we miss each other very much.

Another Saturday.

What can I say? Just another LONG day at work... we've got amazingly uninterrupted spouts of pure leizurely time on our hands.

I've seemly cuts all ties with Daren, my Jehovah's witness EX. He was a user, about 14 years older than me, shallow, and extremely hypocritical, especially when it came to the sexual orientation of others, I mean, whatever makes others happy, then let them do it, they're not harming anyone. He's got a lot of homosexual tendencies after all, so he really shouldn't be judging anyone, certainly after I read his religious texts -- he's far from holy according to scripture. The last straw was his coke habit getting out of hand last weekend; I mean if I want to go and see my brother that's one thing, when it becomes a trip to "score," well, that's just disrespectful to Ro and I both. Ro and I had a very intensive conversation about Daren's addiction... we've agreed, that cold turkey, no more phone calls, no contact period with him. I miss that really mysterious, just darling man that I was dating... that is, before his motive was discovered and his addiction fed again.

If you cannot feel like yourself without a substance, then what's the point of living? I mean, I've been down that road, still have some extreme issues with meaningful relationships/romantic love. I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again. After Nick's death in July of 2006 (of a Xanax overdoes) I just feel empty and unable to truly "fall" with anyone; yeah, and the recent falling back into usage did not help. So, I may be physically attracted for a minute, however, it soon ends without any kind of notice. I thought I had that under control but there's a feigning for at least the physical part of a long-term relationship a little bit. I've developed an on-going love affair with Vitamins for one thing, after the battle the illegal substances, I never knew that I could at least find a similar up-and-atom feeling from something you buy in the supermarket.

It's absolutely spellbounding how circumstances can change within the blink of an eye. Alright, we have an hour lunch off the clock where I put forth all of these hours; and my co-worker, Nikki, asked if I would like to go to The Gazebo... it's this adorable restaurant that yes, does indeed feature a rather large gazebo. I said yes, after all, there's this adorable waiter there, Adam, that I have actually known for years from prior fast food laboring. Well, of course, I had to say YES! Well, it was very good. I'm a vegetarian, so of course I asked for the half veg sandwich with bowl of veg soup, which was the soup du jour. Adam was a trip, he was so funny, Nikki was even checking him out... lol. Let's see, he asked why we hadn't made plans to do anything yet (in my mind I was like "WTF"?), thinking that he was joking about a week ago when I saw him last... He was always such a kidder after all. Hmm, so I "got his digits."

My mother's 47th birthday is tomorrow, my father and I have bought 0 gifts, oh dear, he gave me a wonderful idea though... new robe... it's got to be blue and velour, despite warmer weather coming our way. So, Calvin and I? or maybe Jason and I are going to Buford after work to go shopping and get my roots redone.

Tomorrow, however, Calvin and I are attending Jonathan's, who is Calvin's adorable boyfriend, graduation in Dalton, erk, I love Jonathan, but I volunteer for the wackiest shit.

Got 5 more hours left on the clock, I wish the wait times were as long as they were this morning, as Jonathan would say, "It would be fabulous!" I've got a client on the phone right now, looking for something, playing some hardcore R&B, then cuts back and me "Are you there?" "Yes ma'am, I've been waiting on you to find the number." "Oh, NO you haven't, I've had it the entire time on my screen." Sometimes I just want to strangle clients... Some people should not be in this line of work because of their lack of intelligence and people skills. Sometimes I just want to scream, "Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Banana Phone..." That would be hilarious, well, at least to me, I'm sure corporate would have a different opinion on the matter.

A fresh, toasted start to a once crusty lifestyle.

So, after my ridiculous meandering with those who are WAY over my age limit -- we're talking 14-23 years older, trying every narcotic possible and overdosing multiple times; just becoming a total boil on society's once perfect skin, I've settled down. It's interesting to think about what I've done and where I've gone and just ponder, "How did I get here?" Met a multitude of individuals, saints and unsavory souls alike; however, every single person, whether you want them to or not, leave a little mark on us.
I've worked the same job now for about 8 months, it's incredibly gratifying. Knowing almost exactly what I'll be doing every single day is a bit of a drag sometimes, but very comforting. It beats living out of a car, or a carboard box, and not knowing where my next fix or if I weren't on the smack, where my meals were coming from. I was very good at starving myself, hospitalized because I was rejecting all fluids or solids that were trying to be put into my system except for the poisons keeping me alive. It's a horrible way to live, full of lightning speed decisions constantly pulling one way and then the opposite.
Anyway, so I work with Income Tax Software, that's about all the information I can give legally. It's dry work, sometimes gratifying when you know you really helped make someone's day brighter just by telling them seemingly insignificant little details.
Life is full of insignificant details, but all of them combined make up the larger picture. Realizing that every tiny action has a consequence, which can either be positive or negative; but everything has a definite ending that's different regardless of how you choose. I'm only starting this out as a preliminary beginning to my memoir, but it's a nice rough start.